sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
