I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
