Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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