well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
