don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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