Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I fill condoms, not promises.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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