had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
