connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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