my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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