Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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