dude i'm inner monologue high
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
