I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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