Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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