so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
