My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
