I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
