K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i love accidental penises.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
