Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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