No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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