I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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