dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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