On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
