I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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