I wish my penis had an off switch
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
