While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
