My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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