Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize
