the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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