There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
