mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
