we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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