Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
