fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
