Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
