i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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