I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
