I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
