According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
