The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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