I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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