This is not my ceiling
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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