I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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