Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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