i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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