Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
