i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
