He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
