Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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