It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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