i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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