I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
