Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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