I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
