All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
