He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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