You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
