i just had sex bonerless
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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