If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
