Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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