I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
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He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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