Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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