who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
