Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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